Balancing my Desire for Spontaneous Intimacy Whilst Pursuing a Committed Partnership
As a gay man approaching 50, I’ve spent many, largely pleasurable years engaging in spontaneous encounters with other men from my teenage years. During my fourth decade, I was in a serious relationship which continued for a significant period, however I never felt completely content, in that I didn't experience love nor sexually nourished. The fact is that I have always craved casual sex. Every time I start seeing a potential partner, when the initial excitement fades, an impulse arises to be intimate with new partners again.
Reflecting on the Possibility of Exclusive Commitment
I am now wondering whether it's possible for me to maintain a monogamous relationship. I'm aware that numerous homosexual males have non-monogamous arrangements, yet from my observations, they have seemed demanding, often resulting in lots of pain and jealousy among all parties. To a large extent, I want another man to love me while letting me pursue other intimacies, but I fear the emotional drain this would cause. Is it best to keep having casual sex and accept that a lasting partnership is not possible? I feel a bit lost.
Each individual's sexual journey varies. Avoid considering of your relationship needs or your ability to tolerate different types of sexual unions as fixed. Your needs in your current state could easily shift down the road; at a certain time you may find yourself more decisive and discover greater understanding and a comfortable path … or not. One day you might meet a person who provides a transformative opportunity for you through mirroring your desires in a holistic fashion … and later on you might decide that non-committal encounters suit you best. Fretting over what lies ahead and engaging in the “What if?” game is merely anxiety-based and squandering of your energy. Try to be in the moment with your partners, and see the worth of each person you connect with intimately a sexual connection. If and when the time is right to deepen true intimacy with one partner, you will know.
- Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist focusing on treating sexual disorders.
